Dear Baby B, Mummy is tired…

Please please please just go to sleep. Mummy’s here, I’m rocking you, it’s all ok just go to sleep. Your bed is warm and you’re all snuggled up, Mummy has been sitting with you on the uncomfortable chair in the nursery for 15 minutes and you seem sound so please stay asleep when I put you down…nope, that didn’t work. Ok ok I’ll cuddle you again but please let me put you down soon, mummy needs to go to the bathroom.

Why? why? WHY WON’T YOU JUST SLEEP? It’s dark and late, we both know you’re tired. mummy can’t have you on her boob all night – I would but you wee through everything if I do and I’ve changed the sheets and washed your sleeping bag 3 days in a row. Surely this can’t go on forever!

Ugh my back is sore and it’s after midnight. You will only sleep if I rock you and don’t put you down. I haven’t slept more than a few hours at a time in over a year.  Please go to sleep and stay asleep. Everyone keeps telling me I created a rod for my back. I tried the other night to kiss you on the head and walk out. I couldn’t do it. You cried and screamed and 4 minutes later I came right back so conflicted crying to myself, ‘GTFTS you little so and so’, while I covered your tear stained face with kisses and promised never to do that to you again even though I’ve tried it a few times now.

I wonder if I’ve done something wrong? I know babies are crap sleepers in general but you are the worst. I don’t think I do anything different from many other mummies. I tried putting you down calm. You never stay calm though if I put you down. Mummy is the only place you’re happy when you’re tired (except effing daycare of course where you self settle for them on a toddler bed). Why won’t you go to daddy? why can’t daddy calm you so mummy can rest? He wants to help but you just have it in for me don’t you?

Keep smiling your dazzling smile at me in the morning baby B, keep toddling towards me and throwing arms around my neck. Keep playing peekaboo with me and doing new amazing things every day. Because if you weren’t so unbelievably loveable I might chuck you out the window next time you wake at 2am 15 minutes after I’ve just spent half an hour rocking you back to sleep.

One day you’ll grow out of it. One day I’ll miss you being a baby (maybe) but right now I miss a decent night sleep (or even half decent?) more than anything. Sure you’re worth it and blah blah blah but this is shit and as soon as you can talk, we need to talk about this.

All my love, your mother.

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