The idea that all mothers experience some amazing rush of love the second they meet their newborn babies is well known to be one of the great untruths of motherhood. I’m sure some mothers experience it and yay for them, but many don’t and that’s ok too.
When Baby B was born I was surprised to meet him. It’s very strange finally associating a real live human baby with the squirmy thing that lived in your belly. I also thought that B would look more like his dad but he really looked just like me. I also will say that I didn’t feel a rush of love. Who knows whether it was the caesarean or not but nope no rush here. I did love him. Completely and utterly like I’d do anything for him but there was no rush of joyful love, rather I felt as though he’d been there my whole life and the love I had was always there but somehow I’d only just become aware of it. The sensation was very curious.
Now it’s different. There is a lot more joy. I mean, he’s so freakin cute! but seriously, motherlove now is different for me to what it was in the beginning. Back then it felt a bit hopeless, like eternal bondage that I couldn’t ever end – or wouldn’t. Now however, it’s a pleasure for the most part. I feel a physical need to be close to him. His scent amazes me and I wish so badly that I could bottle it. The top of his head smells like cuddles and his face smells like milk. His skin is so ridiculously soft I just want to cover it with kisses and sometimes I just want to eat him up, like seriously just take a little nibble (a weird phenomenon explained in this article – http://www.kidspot.com.au/baby/newborn/new-parents/want-to-eat-your-baby-dont-worry-thats-normal).
He now likes to reach out and touch things and it is just sublime when he puts his little hands on my face or chest or neck. Never mind that each touch is often followed by an almighty pinch or grab with his razor sharp finger nails, I still love it. I could watch him all day and all night if only I didn’t need sleep and I wish that I could cuddle him all night. I can never resist burying my face in his belly or face even though I know that it will inevitably be accompanied with him wrapping his fingers in the little hairs at the nape of my neck and pulling like his life depended on it. However, this makes him giggle and well! Anything that makes him giggle is worth it a hundred times over (songs of the angels I tell you).
I can’t say I love everything about being a mum. Honestly it’s so hard I can’t even tell you in words. I do love everything about Baby B though. EVERYTHING! Maybe I won’t always, like when he’s a dirty teenager with smelly socks who leaves the toilet seat up, but I can’t imagine a time when I won’t want to cover him with kisses and cuddles and watch him sleep and hear him laugh. I never knew that someone’s ordinary everyday-ness would ever be the most amazing thing in the world to me. I feel as though if I couldn’t be close to him I would explode with need for him. Right now he needs me close by to survive and I feel like my need must be a biological reaction in me to his need for me because it is so strong.
Also now I’m so very affected by anything to do with motherlove. Scenes in movies where women are parted from their children invoke a physical reaction in my gut and lots and lots of tears. Sad stories about children in the news and images of needy children in third world countries make me cling to my baby so glad that he’s with me and I can protect him and give him every comfort. Motherhood has definitely brought this out in me. Stories of women who’ve lost their children cause me to actually grieve for them, to put myself in their shoes. My protective instincts are just as heightened as any cliched she-wolf. Honestly don’t anyone ever mess with my baby!
I don’t know if I’ve shed any light on the unique love that a mother can feel for her child. Reading these words I know that they’re true for me but they still can’t tell the whole story. Still it was all the motherlove in me that made me want to share it with you all and I hope you liked hearing about it.